Ok, you guys may have already seen this...... If you havent well then.. MAJOR SPOILERS ABOUND
[SPOILERS AHEAD] The game starts as it did during the PAX event. “What’re you gonna do, save the world all by yourself?” yells an EDF soldier. Duke runs down a few exploding corridors and picks up the Devastator weapon. I’m thrown right into a boss battle with the Cycloid Emperor in the infamous Stadium level from Duke Nukem 3D, and after making a field goal with its eye, the screen zooms out and I see Duke playing what I was just playing, while receiving a blowjob from the “Wholesome” twins. “After 12 fucking years, it better be good,” says Duke—and by God, it is.
As I explore the depths of Duke’s 69-floor—yes, there are 69 buttons in the elevators—Las Vegas mansion, I perform Duke-esque actions to increase the maximum capacity of his rechargeable ego (health). This includes admiring myself in the mirror, lifting weights, and pissing in toilets. Come to think of it, that’s how the game starts out before you even enter the Stadium—Duke is pissing in a toilet and it’s a golden shower worth a thousand words. Everywhere I go, the atmosphere is rich and interactive. I write on various surfaces, shoot hoops, use vending machines, and play pinball as I hear Duke utter, “Now I do have time to play with myself!” The fun just never ends. Inside Duke’s golden mansion, the walls have been embellished with portraits of Duke and statues of his trophy kills: pig cops, assault captains, etc. Our hero is living the life until…
The alien bastards are back. The floors shake. Explosions are heard. Outside the tall glass walls of Duke’s skyscraper of a dwelling, alien ships are commanding Earth’s heavens. Monsters are crawling everywhere and power disruptions are looming. Back in his trophy room, Duke must commandeer a throne which operates as a secret entrance to his “Batcave.” To get there, he must sign a few autographs, go by the entrance to his mansion to say hello to the screaming babes, and unseat a fan from his big red chair so he can use it to enter his clandestine command room.
The throne sucks Duke underground, where he conducts a video conference with General Graves, the commander of the Earth Defense Forces. On a second screen, the President of the United States—who is a random white dude, not Obama—appears. Both men advise Duke against causing a riot, knowing his alien ass-kicking will unleash chaos requiring much more than just a clean-up on aisle 4. The power goes out, and alien shrieks are audible. Duke enters dark vents and punches blinded assault commanders using his superior Duke Vision. Drinking beer, a blurry-eyed, intoxicated Duke finds himself more resilient to alien attack. Steroids in pill form enable Duke to speed-run and kill aliens with a single punch, in the vein of the Berserker power-up in Doom. It becomes clearer by the second that the game itself is on steroids, with Duke packing enough action into the game to allow for three boss battles JUST in the first 10% of the game.
I fight the Cycloid Emperor. I ravage pig cops, assault captains, assault enforcers, and even an assault commander. I man turrets, blast aliens away with pipe bombs and trip bombs, and engage Duke’s mighty foot via an “execution” move he performs on weakened enemies. Finally, I make my way to Duke’s Lady Killer casino, where he can interact with slot machines and drive around in a Duke-themed toy racecar upon being shrunk to action-figure size (with a high-pitched voice to match). I forget the exact order of events, but at some point I am taking the elevator again when a power disruption leaves Duke to the task of saving a struggling babe who is being taken down with it. “Pull the emergency lever, Duke!” she screams, and after several tries, I am successful. Why am I making a point to mention this seemingly trivial event? Because that’s what Duke is all about—kicking ass and saving babes along the way.
More Boss Battles = More Win
Next, I make my away around the mansion and onto the highest floor, where I encounter the second boss—the alien mothership. With Duke approaching the seat of a high-power turret, I start to blast bullets into the eye of the ship. Smaller alien aircraft attempt to disrupt my can of whoopass, but a flick of the turret, graced by the very responsive controls of the game, directs my aim at their dead, sorry asses. After several tries, Duke is victorious, but debris from aircraft explosions propel him back into the abyss. As Duke gives the alien ship the finger, he falls down into a dark room and must fight his way back into the light.
It is around this time that I encounter destructible environments. Trip bombs situated between walls can be exposed via shooting the plaster. Tables and other moveable objects can also be used to manipulate the environment, whether you’re trying to avoid trip lasers or you’re trying to access an unreachable area (especially if Duke is shrunk to action-figure size). This function plays well with the numerous puzzles in the game, which often require Duke to manipulate objects in his surroundings.
I continue fighting aliens in various outdoor and indoor environments in Las Vegas. It is hilarious to see buildings like the Asscrombie and Bitch (sp?) store and the Fellatio Hotel. Duke’s crude style of humor is back and true to Duke Nukem 3D. One-liners are prevalent and are spewed from not just Duke’s own mouth, but from NPCs as well. “I'm gonna paint the town red... with your blood,” says Duke. A soldier replies back, “What’re you waiting for, Hannukah?” true to an original quote which referenced Christmas. Progressing deeper into the demo, I start to fear that the trip is almost coming to an end.
Before moving ahead, I take a step back to admire all the atmospheric features of the game. In one instance, I open a cabinet to find empty beer bottles. “The fucking aliens drank all my beer,” spits Duke. It’s hard to recall everything, but the Duke is indeed not a pussy when it comes to dropping the F-bomb. Speaking of fearlessness, an EDF soldier suddenly beckons an unmoved Duke to grab some armor and weapons amidst an alien invasion. Glancing at a Master Chief-style armor and helmet set, Duke replies, “Armor is for pussies.” Grabbing the weapons, Duke moves on to the last scene of the demo.
Enter the Battlelord, which is the third and last boss of the demo. A quick thing to note here is that I’m about 90 minutes or 10% into the game now (which is about where the demo ends) and I’m already fighting a third boss. Up to this point, I’ve spilled blood with Duke’s golden Eagle, his trusty shotgun, several new alien weapons, and the aforementioned explosive weapons. For the last boss battle, I am given the RPG, which appears to be the only weapon in the demo with assisted aiming. It only takes in 5 ammo/grenades at a time and there’s no reloading involved. I jump around and hide behind rocks; I dash for more ammo as I dance around the massive, enraged, and powerful Battlelord.
After blowing the motherfucker to pieces with my RPG, I approach its struggling, near-carcass of a body and punch it in the balls repeatedly...
